I was going to write my first post about books, but I believe that topic will end up being for my second post because I haven’t been able to really focus my thoughts on it today. I’ve been on vacation from work this week and have been able to mostly not think about it which has helped me immensely, but then last night I had a dream about something work-related and I woke up very fitful and have been feeling nothing but anxiety and dread all day today so far.
Even though I still have the rest of the week of vacation left, I still know in the back of my mind that Monday is still coming again, and then I will be reporting back to the literal hell that is corporate existence for 8+ grueling, never-ending hours a day of being a fake person in a dreary environment that is completely dissonant with my values. The feelings of anxiety I’ve been going through today about it have been the only thing that have kept me from just crying all day. I am really very depressed about the whole situation and have been unable to think of any way out other than just quitting the job, which of course comes with its own set of problems. I just feel so enslaved and trapped right now.
(Please note for the record that I am not suicidal and under no condition have any plans of harming anyone, including myself.)
I think part of what is making me so sad today is that having these few days to myself, in quiet and away from other people, has just been so wonderful that it just makes my thoughts of the upcoming misery all the worse. It’s almost been difficult to enjoy them because I know that it’s all just going to be ripped away from me again come Monday. I have been trying hard to keep myself from thinking about it so that I can enjoy the rest of the day, and maybe even the week, but this situation has been going on for me for so long now that no amount of living in the moment, positive thinking, being optimistic, etc. is working anymore. The cracks are widening to a critical point.
I’m hoping that by writing all of this out in a post, I will be able to put it out of my mind for at least the rest of the day. I was doing so well until today in fighting negative thoughts about work…until I had that dream. I just want to put some bread and cheese into a kerchief (like they do in fairy tales), put the bundle on the end of a stick, lock the house door behind me, and just walk away from it all. Even a zombie apocalypse would be welcome to me at this point.